Viva Las Yodas!
by Moonfire
Summary: The gang from Episode 1 goes to the Sodom and Ghammorah of the USA, Las Vegas. Yoda in drag. Qui Gon and Obi Wan face the dark side in The Star Trek Experience.


VIVA LAS YODAS  
  
("Drivin' a Truck" Copyright Weird Al Yankovic, Running With Sissors)  
  
The ancient Model T chugged and puffed along I15 in the slow lane toward Las Vegas, with C3PO at the wheel. Obi Wan and Qui Gon were squished in the back seat like sardines, but their Jedi Code wouldn't allow a more updated or spacious vehicle. At least they had a chauffer, however annoying he might be with his demands for oil and constant muttering.   
  
"Some vacation!" Obi Wan huffed mentally, but Qui Gon caught his thoughts through the Force and gave him a warning glare. Obi Wan scowled and pretended to be really interested in the scrubbrush.   
  
"I'm drivin' a truck! Drivin' a big ol' truck!  
  
Pedal to the metal hope I don't run outta luck  
  
Rollin' down the highway until the break of dawn  
  
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on!"  
  
Yoda laughed to himself and clicked his rhinestone pumps together as he sang. Piled on no less than ten pillows to reach the wheel, the little green midget used the Force to operate the pedals beneath him. He'd lifted starcruisers, so this was nothing. Child's play. And for once, he was in a good mood because he'd been called to a drag show, and he was the star. But first, he had to deliver these slot machines. They'd been Sith proofed so only Jedis and retired people would win. His feathered boa blew in the wind from the open window, and the stars were bright. He blew a kiss to his lipsticked reflection in the rearview mirror and wiggled his red painted toenails. Then he saw the Model T.  
  
HONNNNNNNNNNNK! HONK-HONNNNNNNNNNK!  
  
He leaned on the horn for all he was worth. "Move your ass you WILL! A Jedi Master I AM!" Yoda yelled out the window as he passed. He fairly swerved around them, fishtailing. His red taillights faded into the night at lightspeed.  
  
"Oh dear!" exclaimed C3PO, gripping the wheel of his lessor vehicle. "I believe I almost short circuited!"  
  
Qui Gon spoke quietly, the barest trace of amazement in his voice. "I sensed a great disturbance in the Force."  
  
Obi Wan rolled his eyes. "WE almost bit the dust." He received another glare from Qui Gon, who was in an even worse mood than usual. "What's the matter, those cashews creeping up on ya?"  
  
"Be silent, my Padawan." Qui Gon warned.   
  
The Model T decided that it was time to bite the dust itself. With a deafening backfire, it belched enough black smoke to engulf half the desert, then died like a contracting accordion. They were still about 100 miles from Las Vegas, and Jedi power alone wasn't going to get them there.   
  
"So what do we do now?" Obi Wan hopped out and threw up his hands. He kicked at the dust with one worn shoe in frustration.   
  
"We walk, Obi Wan." said Qui Gon simply, and started off.  
  
"Maybe we can hitch a ride." Obi Wan suggested. All they could hear was a lonely coyote howling. There was no sign of car lights anywhere, behind or ahead of them.   
  
"Wait for ME, you fools!" C3PO admonished, trotting stiffly toward them.   
  
The Jedis had nothing on them but the clothes on their backs and their lightsabers. Obi Wan was about to break into a cactus when they all heard a deafening roar from above. A strange vehicle like a giant bat flew over them and stopped. They looked up, mesmerized by it. It was a Blackhawk.  
  
Qui Gon gave Obi Wan a dirty look. Obi Wan shrugged. "I didn't do anything!" he protested, practically whimpering.   
  
The ship landed and two military pilots got out, dressed in black with strange insignia. "You boys need a lift?" one of them said, a more than amused look on his face.   
  
"We're going to Las Vegas." Qui Gon said cautiously, sensing another disturbance in the Force.   
  
"We figured that. Hop in." the guy gestured to the ship. Not having a choice, they obliged. In seconds, they were hovering over the top of the Hilton Hotel, and landed on the roof. "Just follow the hall to the elevator. The Star Trek Experience is on the bottom floor."  
  
They all looked at each other. "Huh?" they said. The ship took off.   
  
Yoda waddled into Caeser's Palace and started levitating the slot machines into place. The process went well until he got his boa wrapped around the joystick on the last one and was flipped up in the air. The machine crashed down, its programming scrambled to allow a Sith to win, and Yoda fell facedown on a roulette wheel. The patrons were so drunk they exploded into fits of laughter.   
  
"Eeeeeeeeeeee!" (bump-bump-bump) went Yoda.  
  
"Anybody wanna bet on the little green guy?"  
  
Yoda got up, wobbling on his high heels, and tried to look as distinguished as possible. "Bet you will not! Late for a drag review I am!" He jumped off, landing on his face, and hobbled off into the crowd. He made his way toward the dressing room.  
  
Meanwhile, Darth Maul had found the jumbled slot machine, and hit it big. He let out a whoop of Zabrakian triumph as the machine went crazy, half the patrons of the room gathering around him. So much money spilled out, he had to use his robes to catch the loot.   
  
A group of cheap women flocked to his side. "Hey baby, your planet or mine?" one of them said, putting her arm around him.   
  
"Forget the Force!" he said to them. "We'll BUY OUT the Jedi!"  
  
Obi Wan, C3PO and Qui Gon wandered aimlessly in the crowd of Star Trek charachters and their groupies. Obi Wan pointed at the mock turbo lift.  
  
"Hey, THAT looks familiar..." he said in quiet amazement, and started running toward it.   
  
"Be careful, Obi Wan. The Dark Side has many faces..." Qui Gon warned, following him. C3PO staggered behind, looking all around for something resembling oil. He spied a Black Bottom drink in Quark's Bar, and snatched it up, swigging it in one gulp. A guy dressed like a Klingon swiveled around to face him.   
  
"Hey! Think you can get away with that cuz you're in costume, huh, punk?"  
  
Qui Gon rushed over and calmly released C3PO from the man's death grip with the Force. "He is of no concern to you." he said, staring in his eyes. The Klingon turned back around, and ordered another drink.   
  
"No more adventure!" C3PO protested, shuffling away from the turbolift. "I'm not going that way!" Then he hiccupped.   
  
Meanwhile, Darth Maul was getting married to all his girl groupies in the Elvis Chapel. He was secretly planning to take them back to Coruscant and make them all slaves and concubines. The "priest", looking suspiciously like Senetor Palpatine, smiled slyly as they left. Their giggling and gossping died away as they all headed to the honeymoon suite with the giant heart shaped tub.  
  
Obi Wan, Qui Gon and C3PO all stood cautiously in the Enterprise turbolift, which was actually an elevator that took them to the bridge of the fake ship. They were the only group to come through this hour, and jumped in alarm as an invisible announcer's voice broke out above them. They instinctively ignited their lightsabers and stood back to back.  
  
"Enemy ship approaching at warp 5."  
  
The control panels around them went crazy,and so did they.   
  
"How do you work these things?" Obi Wan demanded, his eyes and hands darting around like a mouse on D-Con.   
  
"Use the Force." Qui Gon said, predictably.   
  
"The Force isn't going to work on this control panel!!!" Obi Wan shrieked in competition with the wailing siren. "Red alert!" he shouted to no one in paticular, just knowing he'd heard that from somewhere. That's when the computer made another encouraging announcement.  
  
"Klingon ambassador coming through."  
  
Qui Gon stared at the screen of moving stars, glaring whoever this ambassador was into submission, whether visible or invisible.   
  
"Instructions, please." the computer voice droned.   
  
"Reveal yourself!" Qui Gon commanded, holding his saber like a baseball bat. He was supposed to say "onscreen", but the computer had been programmed to take all like instructions.   
  
The imposing Wrestlemainia-like Klingon (which was really a prerecorded video) appeared larger than life, staring them down from scowling brows.   
  
"Ah, my next victim!" he snarl/smiled, then laughed. Obi Wan was still madly punching blinking buttons, looking like some deranged pipe organ player. C3PO popped out from where he'd taken a wrong turn into the production studio and tapped Qui Gon on the shoulder.   
  
"Sir, I believe there's something you should know..."  
  
"Not now, C3PO."  
  
"What are you Federation weaklings doing in Klingon space?" demanded the recorded Klingon.   
  
"We have never heard of Klingons..."  
  
..."We have the authority to give you a detour..." the Klingon interrupted him.   
  
"SIR!" C3PO demanded. "If you would PLEASE listen! This whole thing is a setup! Quite cleverly contrieved, noless, but..."  
  
"Silence!" hissed Qui Gon. With a warlike yell, he ripped his saber through the screen, and made nothing but a slash across the picture. The Klingon continued making threats, a giant gash in his midsection. Qui Gon looked at him with disbelief.   
  
"He is incredibly strong in the Force..." he muttered aghast.  
  
If C3PO's eyes had been moveable, he would have rolled them.   
  
"Sir, that's what I've been trying to TELL you...." He was cut off as a black figure came leaping through the screen. It was Darth Maul. His own saber ignited as the simulator shook violently and the computer voice made another ominous announcement.   
  
"Prepare for evasive maneuver!"  
  
The Enterprise banked sharply to the left, toppling all of them into the far wall. C3PO rolled clunkety-clunk on the floor and flew into Maul, who tried to slice off his head with his saber. Indignant, C3PO kicked him in the shin. Qui Gon rose to a saber swinging fest with Maul, and what was left of the screen showed an asteroid field approaching. The ship bounced and shook, and even the Force couldn't keep their footing as they toppled and flew into each other.   
  
Obi Wan had taken his saber and slashed the control panel of the bridge, frustrated with trying to make it work.   
  
"Need some help, Master?" he offered Qui Gon, feeling warmed up now. Maul growled at him.   
  
"I wasn't asking YOU..." Obi Wan countered, aiming for a blow at Maul from behind. As Maul countered it, the ship "landed" on Risa, the pleasure planet.  
  
A scantily dressed pair of twin women walked up. "Welcome to Risa." they said in unison, smiling suggestively. All three men dropped their duel and stared. Qui Gon's lips set in a firm line.   
  
"The Dark Side has many faces." he warned Obi Wan, who kept staring with Darth Maul.   
  
Darth Sidious threw his head back in the control room and laughed. Oh, everything was going splendidly! He'd capture the Jedi AND hone the rage and hatred of his pupil as well. What more could a dark lord ask for? He started to pull back a switch that was intended for a short circuiting of C3PO when something snarling, tiny and green leaped upon his neck.   
  
"AIEEEEEEE!" Yoda shrieked in a rare display of emotion,yanking Sidious's head back. Yoda kicked his high heels into his chest and Sidious threw him off with the Force. Yoda bounced off the wall where the on/off switch was and the lights came on in the studio. The activity also stopped on the "bridge".   
  
"HEY!" all three men exclaimed in unison. The screen was now white and blank with a giant rip in the middle, and all the control panel lights went dead.   
  
"I have a bad feeling about this..." Obi Wan noted. Maul just growled. Then they heard all the commotion in the adjoining room.   
  
"That sounds like..." Qui Gon said.  
  
"But that's impossible..." Obi Wan continued. Darth Maul shoved them both forward.   
  
"Wait for ME, you fools!" C3PO shook his fist, which was actually on the other side of the room. It had broken off when he'd flown into the wall during the "asteroid" storm. He hobbled over, picked it up, and reattached it.   
  
They stormed into the studio and saw Sidious being slowly choked to death by Yoda's Force-projected, disattached feather boa. Maul shrieked with anger and went after the little green runt. The Jedis blocked him. That's when the next group of tourists decided to make an appearence on the bridge and the managers ran into the studio.   
  
"What are you guys doing in here? This area's off limits!" They felt the Force of Security as they were all shoved roughly out. They heard the violent resulting wrath of cursing as the authorities inspected all the damage done to their equipment. "Somebody get those guys! They're under arrest!" they heard one yell to another operator.   
  
As one, the non-Star Trek Experience patrons ran out to the bridge, past the staring tourists, and through the already torn screen - and right smack dab into a black anteroom with a flat wall. They continued their duel, producing an odd shadow-puppet show for the tourists before breaking out and chasing each other to the turbolift. The Jedis made it first, with Yoda perched on their shoulders, and glared up at Darth Sidious and Maul as they shot quickly down. Desperate, and annoyed by all the attention from the tourists and threatening security,. they grabbed the elevator shaft cable and descended with the Force. They used their sabers to cut through the wall, and emerged right into Quark's bar. They crashed through the drink display amid screaming patrons and chased Obi Wan and Qui Gon through the crowd.   
  
"Computer, freeze program!" commanded a breathless Quark, who was still working the bugs out of his new holosuite experience. "That's enough for one day." he muttered as he left the chamber and returned to his bar.   
  
He was pouring an Andorian Blue for an impatient Cardassian when an all-too-familiar figure waltzed into the bar, his black boots creating a quiet but ominous thud. It was that damn Darth Maul! But how?!  
  
"I'm looking for some "friends" of mine. They're Jedis. One tall and old, one short and young, with a little green runt with pointed ears on his shoulders. Have you seen them?" More than something about his eyes made Quark comply in his response.   
  
"No, but if you pay me a hundred bars of gold pressed latinum, I can FIND them for you." he offered shakily, but determined.   
  
Maul smiled evily. "Done." he said. "Now get me a Pete's Ale..."  
  
Darth Maul awoke with a gasping intake of breath, struggling the shake the nightmare he'd just had. Him, the Jedis and his Master on Earth? Impossible! He stumbled out to the kitchen to get a Pete's Ale, and guzzled it down in one fell swoop. The Force had strange ways. Strange ways indeed...  
  
He stepped on his robe, which he'd thrown on the floor, on his way back to bed, and it made an odd jingling sound. Curious, he picked it up, and several silver coins fell out. Wait a minute...  
  
He picked one up and examined it in the light from his saber, and saw a foreign man's head etched on the surface. This was so familiar...  
  
...Then the alcohol started to take effect, and his head went fuzzy. He flopped onto the bed and fell into a dreamless sleep. 


End file.
